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befriending your dysphoria

My dysphoria is not about wanting to remove all vestiges of maleness. Instead it’s always been about being drawn to being a woman. Don’t ask me how that idea got there, it's just been present from earliest memory.

Part of my life journey has been about rejecting and then ultimately repatriating this difference of ours. Something I was happy to express while I was little but which was removed via the public shaming that inevitably comes with our socialization.

I don't have the slightest doubt that this draw towards being female will continue to exist in me until my dying days and that it forms part of my intrinsic wiring. The reason I refer to it as dysphoria is because in the text book sense that is what it is: the desire to be the other sex. However that pull can be channeled in other ways and have it serve your purpose.

I am fortunate that despite my stature I do pass relatively well. But even if I didn’t, my age and life confidence compensates for any fears I might have about the fickle public’s opinion.

My attitude now is this: you know nothing about who I am or what my life has been like so mind your own business. If anyone stares at me the wrong way I simply stare back and maybe smile in order to disarm them. The fact this rarely happens is because most people see a person comfortable in their own skin regardless of what gender they see.

Removing every ounce of insecurity about this is pivotal for all of us who grew up during the time when this was deeply frowned upon. Once you have gotten there (if you aren't there already) you will be in a better position to know whether to proceed further or not.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…